Looking Back
There’s so much I could say. It’s my last week in my 20’s. Of course, we all have that moment when we approach a new decade and age in life where we look back, at least I do. I honestly cannot believe, or even comprehend, all that took place in this last decade of my life. To think that when I turned 20, I was in college, just discovering myself, wondering what the next ten years had in store for me. My god, what a blur it is. This period of my life brought so much good and so much bad, and looking back, I’m realizing just how much I learned, excelled, fell, failed, and everything in between. This birthday comes after an extremely difficult few months. Do I love how I feel right now? No. I’ve caused a lot of hurt to someone and I’ve been dealing with that, not in the best ways. I own my mistakes and fully realize what I should have done differently in the past. Acting out of pain and emotion rarely gets your anywhere positive, and I’ve also learned that recently. Am I hurt as well? Definitely. Is that hard to believe or even listen to for some? Of course. There are some who see me as terrible, selfish, and dishonest. Truth is, when there is a period of your life, whether it be a job, a relationship, whatever, that brings out the bad sides of you, sides you didn’t even know were there, you have to accept that maybe you didn’t do things right, you didn’t speak up, you didn’t treat others fairly. For me, there is a lot of guilt. There is regret. There is frustration, but for once, there is also clarity. There is clarity in the sense that I know what I’ve done wrong, and I know what to fix in the future. Some things can’t be fixed, but the things that can be fixed are learning lessons for the rest of your life. When things or people bring out bad sides of you, that is a lesson in itself. That is something to look at and figure out. Do I regret some of the things I’ve done and said? Absolutely. Have I shown that? No. I shut down when things are bad. I don’t talk about my thoughts and feelings. I’ve always kept to myself. Sometimes that’s fine, but in other cases, it’s the last thing I should do. After this last few months, I know that now more than ever. I cannot act like everything is fine and just let myself stay in my own world and think that it won’t affect others, especially those close to me. I’ve always hated confrontation and avoided it at all costs, even if it’s necessary to move past whatever issue there is. That has recently caused a lot of hurt, and I realize that. I hate that I’ve allowed that and allowed myself to continue doing it. Sitting here in my new apartment on my own is weird, because I haven’t lived alone in a long time. The circumstances have made it difficult. I know time heals, but in the moment, time drags. All I can say is that eventually you just have to move on. I will never apologize for trying to move on with my life, continuing on and being happy on my own. All of this will be remembered and acted upon in this next part of life, which I feel has a lot in store for me. When you’ve hurt people, it doesn’t sit well, with me at least. A lot of the time, I do not show that side. I feel that continuously beating yourself up only causes more pain and more mistakes. No one needs or deserves that. I can’t change the past, but I can let it influence the future and make me a better person for myself and others. Life isn’t just about me. It’s about everyone else in my life as well, and I need to be better at allowing others in and showing them that I truly care. I’m one of the most stubborn individuals I know of, and it’s easy to be self-centered in this life I’ve created for myself.
To those that know, I’m sorry. My promise to myself and those close to me is that I am trying to excel in every possible way, professionally and personally.
Life is just too short.
